First Few Weeks

I’m sorry I haven’t posted this sooner. It has taken me a little bit to write then it accidently got deleted before I had a chance to edit and post so I had to start all over.

 

Before I completely dive into this post, I feel I need to say what I discuss in this post is my personal experience and my personal feelings post partum. 

 

I wanted to write this post because you NEVER hear people talk about this part of parenting or if you do it’s to the extreme and you hear about it on the news because it didn’t end well. I’ve never heard anyone honestly say this is how they felt and/ or worked through emotions in the first few weeks after having a baby. All I heard was Oh crying for no reason is normal.

 

The first few weeks of having baby N. home were far from easy. The truth is I pretty much cried, OK sobbed, for the first 2 weeks. Once the tears started I couldn’t stop them. A bit of postpartum anyone? I did my best to keep it in check and not let anyone see me in tears AGAIN. If Daddy saw me crying he would start crying that would get me going even more.

It didn’t matter what would get me started crying, something sweet being said to my mom telling me I couldn’t take Miko potty.  I’m sure all of the tears were due to a mixture of no sleep, hormones, and a bit of overwhelment of having family in and a newborn.

Honestly, some of my tears were from the fact that I knew I should love this baby. he came out of my body, I should have loved him the moment I saw him. Right? I felt guilty because I felt like I loved Miko, the dog, more than my flesh and blood whom I carried for 9 months and delivered into the world.  (I know it sounds completely crazy to love the dog more than your own baby.)

When the Doctor came in to discharge me I was ready to get home to see my puppy even though N. was still admitted.  After all she is my fur child, my first born so to speak and I DO treat her as such. We even refer to her as N’s big sister.

 

 

I have felt guilty for not giving Miko more attention. The way she looks at me sometimes just kills me. It’s this forlorn look of why don’t you play with me any more? I’m still here too. Thankfully she does love N. She would smother him in kisses all day if we would let her.

      

These two pictures were from the day we brought N. home from the hospital. Little Miss was VERY curious. (I couldn’t find these pictures when I wrote that post.)

I even had thoughts like “What the heck have I done?” “Why did I want a child?” “This was a complete and total mistake.”   

There is this tiny little person whom I feed, and I change his diaper, and hold him to keep him from screaming.  I do this this so he stays nourished and so he doesn’t feel neglected, basically because I have to. …

 

To say it’s been an adjustment for all of us would be an understatement. To an extent I feel like I’ve been an absentee parent. When Sister was here she and R. took care of baby N. most of the time. Sadly, I was completely fine with it. There have been days that I haven’t cared if I’ve held him at all. Honestly, the only thing I wanted to do was sleep.

I really think R. has bonded with him more than I have. He knows different faces and cries that I haven’t quite figured out yet; maybe in my sleep deprived state I haven’t noticed.

I find myself thinking I’m his mommy I should know these things. Why do I feel like R. has bonded more than I have. Again I carried this baby for 9 months  I delivered this baby. I am his Mommy, Shouldn’t I be the one to have a stronger bond with him that R?

    

 

I will write an updated post about where I am now, but until then know things have improved a bit.