The Breastfeeding Debacle

I said through my entire pregnancy I want to breastfeed and I hoped it will work out I know so many people say it is tough but I want to try. …

Well, He didn’t have a proper latch while in the hospital, even when the lactation consultant was in. Yet she told me we were doing good. 

The Hospital Nursery staff wasn’t very helpful/ encouraging to breastfeed either. They would hardly let us touch him (We did eventually get to hold him while in the nursery.) let alone have me try to breastfeed. Even once he improved and we were able to hold him I didn’t feel like I could feed him, I sort of felt like I wasn’t allowed to.

So, when we came home and I tried to feed him, N. would just get mad and throw a big fit. If someone gave me a suggestion to try I did. He just wasn’t having it without a fight.

I really wrestled with the decision to continue to try to breastfeed or to just resort to expressing my milk and bottle feeding. despite the emotional issues I’ve been working through, I want the best for my son. I know that breast milk is the premium food choice if possible.

I was pretty content with my choice to express my milk and bottle feed until Sister came. I felt a little bit of pressure to get him to latch. I don’t know how many times my family has asked me how feeding is going. I know they mean well, but it just wasn’t going well.

Is it really worth the fight to make a newborn breastfeed when there have been so many obstacles already?

 

My neighbor came over to meet Nollan and we started talking about feeding. She is ALL about breastfeeding. and told me if I wanted help she would be willing to help out. The thing is I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to breastfeed. If he did  latch I would reach a point that I couldn’t stand it any longer and would have to unlatch him then fight to get him to relatch.

Neighbor came over while Sister was here. The 3 of us chatted and Neighbor offered her help again.  I was wrestling with my to breastfeed or not to breastfeed question even more so.

So, once Sister left Neighbor came over again and said she wanted to chat AGAIN about breastfeeding and her helping.  She proceeded to lecture me about how breastfeeding is so much better than bottle feeding and that my supply will deplete if I don’t get him to latch etc. Then she talked about the whole bonding experience of breastfeeding and that I can’t bond with my child if I bottle feed. She then offered to come over during his next feeding to get him to latch. 

I reluctantly told her she could come over (really only to get her off my back and off the subject.) So, She came over, he threw a HUGE tantrum, and she forced him to take my boob.  He gets so worked up SO fast. after a while we stopped to give him a break. She took him from me then implied I can’t calm my own child.

 

That evening I decided I would try to get him to latch again. He did and ate very well! That night, he latched again, but he wanted to eat every 20-30 minutes. I was exhausted and the thought of basically staying up all night so N. could eat was just to daunting.

After bottle feeding for the rest of the 11pm feeding as well as the 3am feeding I tried to breast feed him for the 6 am feeding and it was like starting from square one all over again. N. is so big the only I can breast feed him is if I use the boppy and another pillow to prop him up. Then I have to have him swaddled or I need R. to hold his hand down because he pushes my boob out of his mouth. This baby is over 10 pounds and after not being able to work out for a year and a half I have no muscle.

Part of me was thinking If it takes 2-3 pillows, and either swaddling or a second person to help me feed this kid, Why do it? It’s not like I can feed him in public if this is how I have to feed him. The other part of me was thinking it will be easier in the long run if you stick with it.

The neighbor texted me the next day to see how things were going. I told her I was probably just going to continue to express my milk and bottle feed. Either way he is getting my milk.

 

Now my dilemma is how long do I keep up with the pumping? I’m trying to keep plenty in the fridge as well as freeze as much as I can; all while doing my best to keep up with demand. I really would like him to have my milk for his first year.